The answer to the biggest decision I ever made was the inner most desire of my heart. The struggle came from the outward, worldly desires and pressures. Why would anyone struggle against their own desires? I am thankful for a Father in Heaven who loves and knows me.
Lately a couple of people have said to me, "What a good Mommy you are." (well it could have just been my mom a few times) This is such a wonderful compliment and still I immediately think of all the things I ever do; bad and good, but mostly bad. I think I heard the phrase before conference to inspire the thinking and again yesterday to inspire the post. During General Conference the things that really stood out to me were about families, moreover the protection and teaching aspects. Even when President Uchtdorf talked about time, trials and the things that matter most. I felt really strongly about these precious children and the time we have with them.
It sure makes you feel the hustle and bustle of today's society when you think about that. I just felt the Holy Ghost reassure me "it's okay that my kids aren't involved in every good available activity." The most important time is what we have at home. During those times are when we become linked, knit, woven together. If you don't know, Josh and I had decided that our kids could do one extra activity starting at age 5 (provided the money is available) So far, it turns out Jax and Boo each have one thing one night a week for one hour. This is so wonderful!! I can say I know that football may cause a kink in the chain. My kids have never said to me "why can't I play Soccer or baseball when the city leagues come around, maybe because they've never been involved? But I, Me, the MOM, do sometimes get jealous of other families being so involved. What a stupid thing to be jealous over! It is at those moments I have that peaceful feeling "all is well". I wasn't even thinking about all that stuff when I started writing this, I guess sometimes things just come out anyway. ;)
Subject change for two seconds.... People always ask, "how do you like your house?" I usually say things like, "we love the space" or "my kids are in heaven", occasionally I will say, "we love the space it's bigger than what we had, but it isn't a huge house." Seriously like people can't hear the hint of negativity in there. I am sure at this point they are thinking, "Is she really complaining after where she was living before?" The thing is, I wanted a NEW Bigger 3000+ sq.ft. home. Really, I waited for that long can't I just have something newer. Keep in mind as you read that this was a purely internal struggle. I know that this home has been a HUGE HUGE blessing for my family. I seriously did not understand how it would feel. It feels like those times in your life when blessings are being poured down on you. (if you haven't had this before, you should take another look and count your blessings.) So I recognized the problem and addressed it in my prayers a day or two ago. My answer went something like this:
I was reflecting on my mom's comments from last night, "You are such a good mommy!" I thought there are things we give up to have something better. One of the biggest things I ever had to give up was a job. Working outside the home to help pay for things. There are so many things I loved about working. To name a few
- Way more organized
- Everything I did was for myself
- sometimes it was to improve my mind and potential
- sometimes it was simple tasks like keeping my own area clean (not 6 peoples areas)
- I was able to have adult conversation
- If I ran out of money, there was more coming in soon
I could list a lot of things that I really liked. When the decision to "quit" was discussed it was not light conversation. At the time I was having baby #2, we had been married 6 years, and had grown accustomed to a two person income. I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom and thought that would happen right away. When I had baby #1, I had to go back to work to make ends meet in our home. We had done it for so long that cutting off an entire income just wouldn't work. I went back part time 20 hours, then gradually that 20 became 25, and 25 hours became 30, and I kept picking up more. Why not? I was a good employee and I had the time. It was still a hard decision, even though it had been discussed and my husband was supportive, I had a rough time making the choice. The
Prophets have counseled us on this subject and I knew what I felt was right. I really felt like Heavenly Father wanted to give me this blessing of staying home with my young children. He knows me! He knew then, and now, what the deepest desires of my heart were, are. With this choice to give up my job and additional income, I also gave up luxuries that cost money.
I chose to be with my kids over extra curricular activities, extra frivolous items, and extra sq. ft. on my house. (that makes my house sound small, it is the perfect size for our family.) I didn't realize at that point 5 1/2 years ago how much my kids would need me at home and how much the world is changing. 6 years ago, not everyone had cell phones, cell phones were just taking pictures and I don't think
texting was very popular. That is just the phones, what does that say about the other advances in our lives, TV, music,
internet, Satan's new temptations. This is WITHIN MY KIDS TIME!
AHHH! Because I am home I can help my children with their homework, I do have the time for them to read to me, and to sit and listen, I do have the time to spend with each one individually on things they are struggling with, I do have the time to research on how to be a better mother, I do have the time for them. (even when I am sick in bed). I do have the time to throw together a last minute family home evening lesson, even when that means not doing the dishes for the night. I do have the time! Procrastination is a harsh temptation, but I try to remember I have the time. I also know that my kids are still young and little. As they get older and can make choices on their own opportunities, my time will be less and less. It is important to make the most of it.
So, that was that. I don't know if I even circled around to a point or not?
I want to say I know that some women have to work. I do realize your feelings and don't mean to hurt them. My own mother is the bread-winner in our home and my Dad works too. It is how their family works. My intentions for talking about this are always for the person who is struggling with the decision to quit work to be home with your family. I can't say I don't look back or there aren't times that I think about going back to a job, but I can say at those times I feel the Holy Ghost so very strongly reminding me how strong and powerful the spirit testified to me it was the right thing to do. I remember those feelings, I remember the spirit, I can not deny that. I really think Josh has the same types of internal feelings because if I mention to him, maybe I should find a job, he ALWAYS has a very firm "NO".
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
